Do it [stand-up comedy] because it feels like the right thing to do. Do it because you don't want to do anything else. There is something in you that does not want you to do anything else other than comedy.

If you're politically correct, chances are you're not coming to one of my shows. I get to go onstage and say things that everybody thinks all the time, but can't say out loud.

I do a lot of cultural material that's based on my traveling around the world. I basically just report what I've seen and where I've been.

I love being a dad, and I'm a great dad.

Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'

Azhar Usman is very funny, deeply spiritual, and extremely hairy. He's like Zach Galifianakis meets Deepak Chopra-and funnier than you'd expect that combination to be.

Self-worth and financial worth become indistinguishable.