Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

At John Schlesinger's funeral at a synagogue in St John's Wood some years ago the person I stood next to said to me encouragingly, 'Come on, Stephen - you're not singing. Have a go!' 'Believe me, Paul, you don't want me to,' I said. Besides, I was having a much better time listening to him. 'No. Go on!' So I joined in the chorus. 'You're right,' Paul McCartney conceded. 'You can't sing.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

You can't just say there is a god because the world is beautiful. You have to account for bone cancer in children

But happiness is no respecter of persons.

You can't reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.