Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

My life, at least, is divided between writing and performing and mixtures of the two.

Oscar Wilde quite rightly said, 'All art is useless'. And that may sound as if that means it's something not worth supporting. But if you actually think about it, the things that matter in life are useless. Love is useless. Wine is useless. Art is the love and wine of life. It is the extra, without which life is not worth living.

Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.

Like vichyssoise, revenge is a dish best served cold.

My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.

There is no right language or wrong language any more than there are right or wrong clothes.