Anything with the power to make you laugh over thirty years later isn’t a waste of time. I think something like that is very close to immortality.

Ninety-five percent of people who walk the earth are simply inert. One percent are saints, and one percent are assholes. The other three percent are people who do what they say they can do.

Show me a man or a woman alone and I'll show you a saint. Give me two and they'll fall in love. Give me three and they'll invent the charming thing we call 'society'. Give me four and they'll build a pyramid. Give me five and they'll make one an outcast. Give me six and they'll reinvent prejudice. Give me seven and in seven years they'll reinvent warfare. Man may have been made in the image of God, but human society was made in the image of His opposite number, and is always trying to get back home.

It's a tough life if you don't weaken.

It's not the pain I'm afraid of; I know about the pain. What I'm afraid of is the end of this small, sweet dream.

The quickest way to learn about a new place is to know what it dreams of.

You learn best by reading a lot and writing a lot, and the most valuable lessons of all are the ones you teach yourself.