People come up to me in supermarkets and demand humour. And the less amusing I am, the more they piss themselves. So I say, "I'm doing my shopping, mate, OK?" and the guy will be on the floor in hysterics. Quite odd. Eventually I do have to say something funny so I usually go for something pathetic like, "It's a nice place to shop but I wouldn't like to live here!" and they roar again. Wet themselves. I'm lucky though that I am not massively famous, I can get the Tube without much bother. Must be awful being the Beckhams.

Even great people are always slightly disappointing, which is generally what makes them interesting.

I don't like new bands. I don't want to be one of those pathetic old men in their forties who knows exactly what 18-year-olds are into.

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

A lot of people can be very scared about making themselves vulnerable and appearing uncool. I don't really give a damn; as long as it's funny, I'll do it [make fun of myself].

I think there's as much profundity and wisdom in Shakespeare, more so in fact, than those in the Bible.

The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny, you've immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.