Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these.

All those people who go around saying Life begins at forty, they're notable by their absence. The nerve.

I don't like big feet. It reminds me of gammon.

It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good.

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

I'm not like a politician that goes around talking about family values. And I can't get fired from being a funny person because I did something that most people are disapproving of. I think people are just obsessed with this morality that people perceive as being the right and wrong way of doing stuff.

When you see a crowd of people jumping up and down at a pop concert, all gloriously in the moment, I don't think you'll ever see a comedian there. They'll all be standing at the sides, looking at how it all fits together.