We don't want to go to heaven. We want to be reborn so that we can keep going and realize the dharma so we can benefit other beings, endlessly. It's a very different thing.

Basically, I feel to spend the rest of my life doing retreat.

If you take the time to study how to be a doctor and how to use your scalpel and your medicine, then there are endless beings out there to help.

From a Buddhist point of view, the first thing to help is yourself, to get your own mind together. And to really understand how to benefit beings, not just on the physical level, but on all levels. Then there are endless beings you can benefit.

Once one has understand what is Buddhadharma, what is not Buddhadharma, and once one has had enough view to see the different approaches, then it's important to really look at what speaks to one's heart.

With sincerity from the depths of your heart to do the best you can, just keep going and don't worry too much that you're not Milarepa or Rechungpa.

Yes, times are not good, but when were times good? This is samsara.