No matter what sign you were born under, everybody else's horoscope will be more fun than yours.

Never drink more than one cocktail before giving a talk. True, the drinks may relax you, but they may also slur your speech and blur your memory, making you wonder who are all those people out there and why are they staring at you?

Take it from me: no matter how few or how many children you have, or how little or how much money you make, your expenses are going to exceed your income by approximately a hundred dollars a month.

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma.

No matter what sign you were born under, everybody else's horoscope will be more fun than yours.

to balance my own checkbook each month, I simply record whatever is necessary in the following manner: '37 cents to cover embezzlement by somebody at the bank.

A surefire method of setting up regular communication with your kids is to get a job in an office which discourages personal phone calls. Your kids will then call you every hour on the hour.