What an electric heater perched upon the rim of the bathtub of the world that dead Jesus was.

The Middle Ages hangs over history's belt like a beer belly. It is too late now for aerobic dancing or cottage cheese lunches to reduce the Middle Ages. History will have to wear size 48 shorts forever.

Here's an idea: let's get over ourselves, buy a cherry pie, and go fall in love with life.

The rich are the most discriminated-against minority in the world. Openly or covertly, everybody hates the rich because, openly or covertly, everybody envies the rich. Me, I love the rich. Somebody has to love them. Sure, a lot o’ rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot o’ poor people are assholes, too, and an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.

There exists a false aristocracy based on family name, property, and inherited wealth. But there likewise exists a true aristocracy based on intelligence, talent and virtue.

I like travelers, but I don't like tourists. The difference is that travelers don't shop and they don't play golf.

The trouble with the fast lane is that all the movement is horizontal. And I like to go vertical sometimes.