There's nothing that makes me laugh more than being in the situation where you're not supposed to laugh. Funerals. People crying. Breaking down. Telling you their life. I'm the worst. I'm the worst at that.

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

I’ve always believed that the way you affect your audience is more important than how many of them are there.

I'll tell you all my secrets but I lie about my past.

It's hard to win when you always lose.

Are you still jumping out of windows in expensive clothes?

Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead