I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.

Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now.

I love you" I say. "I love you, too" he says. "I'll see you soon.

Though I know that he had something to do with the attack simulation, and with all those deaths, I find it difficult to pair those actions with the man I see in front of me. I wonder if this is how it is with all evil men, that to someone, they look just like good men, talk like good men, are just as likeable as good men.

He doesn’t scowl, but his mouth is so tense that I know he’s angry with me. 'Don’t be an idiot,' he says. 'An idiot?' Is he talking about the blanket? 'You were lying.

I tell myself, as sternly as possible, that is how things work here. We do dangerous things and people die. People die, and we move on to the next dangerous thing. The sooner that lesson sinks in, the better chance I have at surviving initiation.

But Christina and I are not people who cry together; we're people who fight together. SO I hold my tears in.