The first duty of a woman is to be pretty, the second is to be well-groomed, and the third is never to contradict.

The Almighty can hardly be such a fool as the churches make out.

I [Death] was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.

Never pause unless you have a reason for it, but when you pause, pause as long as you can.

The secret of play-writing can be given in two maxims: stick to the point, and, whenever you can, cut.

Tolerance is only another name for indifference.

No woman is worth more than a fiver unless you're in love with her. Then she's worth all she costs you.