I still secretly believe that afternoons are the time for the test card and you shouldn't watch television when the sun is out.

He (Jeremy Clarkson) is the last man standing on the beach commanding the glaciers' melt waters to go back

Get up now and go and find Robert Kilroy-Silk. Smile in a warm, friendly sort of way, then punch him on the nose. Now go and find Robert on television, despite my best endeavours, this is still relatively easy to do. Wait for a close-up, same smile, and punch him on the nose. If you followed the instructions carefully, you will have noticed a distinct difference. On the one hand, you were suffused with a sense of public-spirited righteousness; on the other, you're probably dribbling blood. That's the difference between reality in life and reality on television.

Like most parents, I've been stumped by homework, the big questions, such as: 'What is the point of geography - the pilot always knows where we are going?'. Answer: 'If you didn't know any geography, people would think you were an American, and you wouldn't be able to put them right because you wouldn't know where they live.'

Nobody ever forgets their first night in the bush. It's among the precious, meagre handful of life firsts that remain indelible.

I still secretly believe that afternoons are the time for the test card and you shouldn't watch television when the sun is out.

Sport is how poor kids from poor countries pass through the eye of the needle to riches and recognition.