I was the funny, outgoing kid who didn't understand how he could keep getting mistaken for a nerd nobody liked.

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.

Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.

You can do terrible things when you don't know who you are.

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda... I should be a video game.

For the gentle werelibrarian, who's strictly vegetarian, there's nothing like Tofillager the MEATLESS TOFU VILLAGER