Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!

The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christian voters should start looking at global warming and extreme poverty as a religious issue that speaks to the culture of life.

What you see on the campaign trail is me. It's easy being me.

I'm for Israel's right to exist.

Well, a lot of politics is communicating with people, and obviously comedy has something to do with that. I've been a producer and led people. Also, being a comedian, you're under pressure.

When people talked about protecting their privacy when I was growing up, they were talking about protecting it from the government. They talked about unreasonable searches and seizures, about keeping the government out of their bedrooms.

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!