The horrible truth is that I am lazy and I am going to write and do bits that just hand themselves to me.

I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.

Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.

We're down in Mexico. It's for a bachelor party, so we go into a Mexican strip club... I go back with this woman down a murky hallway, and then without missing a beat - these ladies are all business - she goes, 'Go ahead, take out your dong.' 'I'm not taking out my dong. And by the way, who uses the word dong? If you want to be hip to the lingo, they're not using the word dong up in the States.

I'm always alone. Sad face emoticon.

My primary responsibility is to be funny.

Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.