But the nature of the universe is such that ends can never justify means. On the contrary, the means always determine the end.

Man has an almost infinite capacity for taking things and people for granted and thereby missing out on the pleasure of being grateful that things aren't worse and of praising and thereby lifting the spirits of others.

Given the nature of spiders, webs are inevitable. And given the nature of human beings, so are religions. Spiders can't help making fly-traps, and men can't help making symbols. That's what the human brain is there for - the turn the chaos of given experience into a set of manageable symbols.

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

There was a thing called Heaven; but all the same they used to drink enormous quantities of alcohol.

Books have their destinies like men. And their fates, as made by generations of readers, are very different from the destinies foreseen for them by their authors. Gulliver's Travels, with a minimum of expurgation, has become a children's book; a new illustrated edition is produced every Christmas. That's what comes of saying profound things about humanity in terms of a fairy story.