Don't minimize the importance of luck in determining life's course.

The only reason I got into broadcasting was, I needed money to pay for my junior and senior years at college, and they hired me, those fools!

People ask me, How would you do as a contestant on the show? And I tell them I would do fairly well among senior citizens, but against a good thirty-year-old I would have trouble because I cannot recall information as quickly as I used to. You used to say something and I would go, boom, right away, very sharp. Now it's like, Oh, yes, but wait a minute, uh, uh.

I had only been a citizen for two weeks when I received a summons to appear for jury duty!

Sex? Unfortunately, as you get older - and I shouldn't admit this - there are other things that become more important in your daily life.

My life is what it is, and I can't change it. I can change the future, but I can't do anything about the past.

I don't gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn't give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off.