Out loud I said I had two children. Silently I said three. I always felt like apologizing to her for that.

Depending on where I am in the process, sometimes I have a page count and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have an hour count; sometimes I'm just happy to string a few words together. I do keep pretty rigorous hours, because otherwise you never get anything done.

Those who say they would rather fight to the death than be raped are fools. I would rather be raped a thousand times. You do what you have to.

But I know I would not go out. I had taken this time to fall in love instead — in love with the sort of helplessness I had not felt in death — the helplessness of being alive, the dark bright pity of being human — feeling as you went, groping in corners and opening your arms to light - all of it part of navigating the unknown.

I dont think ignorance is a way that you gain distance on something.

She liked to imagine that when she passed, the world looked after her, but she also knew how anonymous she was. Except when she was at work, no one knew where she was at any time of day and no one waited for her. It was immaculate anonymity.

Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain.