when a person implores you to be reasonable what he means is that you should speed round forthwith to his point of view.

Death is the last enemy: once we've got past that I think everything will be alright.

There seems to be a peculiar and particular tie between men who have been drunk together.

Those who live on vanity must, not unreasonably, expect to die of mortification.

The snag in being married to a person who knows more or less everything is that one gets hopelessly lazy. ... I never look things up in books because all I need to do is ask him, and when he gives me the answers I don't properly commit them to memory because I know if I forget all I have to do is to ask him again. It is rather like keeping one's brain in a suitcase.

I like money. That is, it is my preferred means of completing pecuniary transactions. I'm not particularly keen on handing over wads of currency of the realm, but at least one knows where one is, whereas the chequebook is a snare and a delusion, containing misleading numbers of blank cheques when none of the money that the bank contains is rightfully one's own. ... I think banks owe their customers a lot by way of compensation for the aggravation they cause them.

Evil and laughter cannot co-exist.