Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!