Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Amy SchumerI have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.
Amy SchumerI made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.
Amy Schumer