All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap - you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.
Arj BarkerJust open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.
Arj BarkerAnybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.
Arj BarkerNobody can ever learn our military's secrets - unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
Arj BarkerI believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.
Arj BarkerI never thought I'd be a comedian. But, growing up, I simply loved watching comedy. The '80s was huge for comedy in the US. Eddie Murphy blew me away with his film Delirious.
Arj BarkerI was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.
Arj Barker