A poor old man held the winning ticket on a half million dollar lottery. Hearing the old man might be surprised at the shock, the local pastor was asked to break the news gradually. The pastor made a customary call, and while visiting casually asked the old man what he would do with a half million dollars if he had it. The old man replied, "why, I'd give half of it to you." Whereupon the pastor dropped dead.

Sometimes I'm asked by kids why I condemn marijuana when I haven't tried it. The greatest obstetricians in the world have never been pregnant.

I grew up poor. I never had any money. I was a hobo, you know, ride the freights

I like what I'm doing. Today at 88, I wouldn't think of quitting because I can't think of anything else I would rather do. And now with my lectures on all the charitable things that I do, just as you do, I think that what I'm doing matters

A traveling show visited a country town and one of the acts was advertised as a striptease. A small boy begged his mother for a quarter to buy a ticket, but the mother refused, telling her son that if he went to that show he would see something awful. Well, the boy sneaked in the show and the first thing he saw was something awful - his own dad sitting on the front row.

My age now, like my age 20 years ago, marks the year in which I was born. That's all.

A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.