You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

Generally speaking, the best people nowadays go into journalism, the second best into business, the rubbish into politics and the shits into law

History, having destroyed the religion as the opium of the people, now requires that they be given a taste of the real stuff.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

I remember also speaking to a reporter on Gay News who enquired about my attitude to Gay Dogs and reassuring him of my compassionate attitude to homosexuality among dogs, while secretly feeling they ought to be whipped.

The urge to pass new laws must be seen as an illness, not much different from the urge to bite old women. Anyone suspected of suffering from it should either be treated with the appropriate pills or, if it is too late for that, elected to parliament [or congress, as the case may be] and paid a huge salary with endless holidays, to do nothing whatever.

Now that Mandela has been released from prison we can all admit what has been apparent, that he is not a Tembu tribesman, in fact he is not an African at all. He is quite obviously Chinese. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it makes those who persist in seeing him as a great African statesman look rather foolish.