You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

When Glenda Jackson reveals that she has never been in a relationship with a man in which he hasn't raised his fists to her, I don't know whether this tells us more about the contemporary male or about Glenda Jackson.

In their quest for power and self-importance, to compensate for whatever feelings of social inadequacy or sexual insecurity, they (Politicians)are prepared to perpetrate something which is hard to distinguish from mass murder if they think they can get away with it.

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.

Generally speaking, the best people nowadays go into journalism, the second best into business, the rubbish into politics and the shits into law

In England, we have a curious institution called the Church of England. Its strength has always been in the fact that on any moral or political issue it can produce such a wide divergence of opinion that nobody -- from the Pope to Mao Tse-tung -- can say with any confidence that he is not an Anglican. Its weaknesses are that nobody pays much attention to it and very few people attend its functions.

Strange how much simple wisdom there is to be found in the deformed head and unprepossessing carcase of your typical London cabbie.