Strange how much simple wisdom there is to be found in the deformed head and unprepossessing carcase of your typical London cabbie.

Politicians can forgive almost anything in the way of abuse; they can forgive subversion, revolution, being contradicted, exposed as liars, even ridiculed, but they can never forgive being ignored.

History, having destroyed the religion as the opium of the people, now requires that they be given a taste of the real stuff.

Generally speaking, the best people nowadays go into journalism, the second best into business, the rubbish into politics and the shits into law

Anyone wishing to communicate with Americans should do so by e-mail, which has been specially invented for the purpose, involving neither physical proximity nor speech.

Now that Mandela has been released from prison we can all admit what has been apparent, that he is not a Tembu tribesman, in fact he is not an African at all. He is quite obviously Chinese. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it makes those who persist in seeing him as a great African statesman look rather foolish.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.