There is an old story about the boy at Eton who committed suicide. The other boys in his house were gathered together and asked if any of them could suggest a reason for the tragedy. After a long silence a small boy in the front put up his hand: 'Could it have been the food, sir?

History, having destroyed the religion as the opium of the people, now requires that they be given a taste of the real stuff.

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.

The main objection to killing people as a punishment...is that killing people is wrong

Strange how much simple wisdom there is to be found in the deformed head and unprepossessing carcase of your typical London cabbie.

Anyone wishing to communicate with Americans should do so by e-mail, which has been specially invented for the purpose, involving neither physical proximity nor speech.

Generally speaking, the best people nowadays go into journalism, the second best into business, the rubbish into politics and the shits into law