I thought I was making fifty dollars a week [at MGM], but it turned out to be $35 because twelve weeks of the year you were on layoff. It was white slavery, and it lasted for seventeen years.

I think the main reason my marriages failed is that I always loved too well but never wisely.

I don't mind growing old. If I have to go before my time, this is how I'll go-- cigarette in one hand, glass of scotch in the other.

And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthday a lot of people tended to confuse with mine. I was personally outraged. It was a long time before I forgave the Lord for that.

For the loot, honey, for the loot.

Love is nothing but a pain in the ass

God knows I've got so many frailties myself, I ought to be able to understand and forgive them in others. But I don't.