Some of us find our lives abridged even before the paperback comes out.

I happen to think nearly everybody - especially those one might find in the odd issue of 'People' magazine, including me - is frightfully boring, especially me. And Tom Cruise. Tom and I are alike in only this way.

I was never asked to join the Editorial Cartoonists Of America. No fraternity would have me in college, either. I think they know something.

I ignore Hallmark Holidays. And this comes from a guy who has sold a million Opus greeting cards.

My kids hear me behind my door, giggling like an idiot, and they roll their eyes at the blatant indignity of it all.

If nothing is serious anymore, then there's nothing to satirize.

The universe throws us some obvious little pitches sometimes, and we need to be awake enough not to let them slip by.