Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.

I don't know if anybody from my tribe of atheists ever thanked [Barack Obama] for giving us a shout-out at your first inaugural, but you did mention non-believers. We appreciate it. Because we do feel like untouchables to a degree.

Let's be honest, half the marriages end in divorce. For me, it's never made much sense. I have a girlfriend and I'm not interested in anyone else, but I still wouldn't want to bring the federal and state government into my life.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.