I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

I would rather put up with Rush Limbaugh and live in a country where we all do have freedom of speech.

I want you teabaggers out there to understand one thing: while you idolize the Founding Fathers and dress up like them, and smell like them, I think it's pretty clear that the Founding Fathers would have hated your guts. And what's more, you would've hated them. They were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris and thought the Bible was mostly bulls**t.

Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on...you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it's not like you could get laid any less.

New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines saying, "We land our jets on the runway"!