The critics. When they're right, they're right for the wrong reasons. And they're usually wrong.

The human condition means that we can zone out and forget what the hell we're doing.

I'm not an ungenerous person; I don't resent it. It's just sort of a head-scratcher.

Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.

You know how funerals are not for the dead, they’re for the living? Bachelor parties are not for the groom, they’re for the uncommitted.

Sometimes I snore, like when I get really tired.

Here's the thing, you just have to drive a lot faster, and if you don't get there, we're both fired.