Well, I'm an uncle now ... don't know if I'm a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.

I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

In fact, with Michael Jackson, I think those mourning people... They aren't even waking Michael, they're waking the Michael Jackson of '84. They never were given a chance to give their respects to the death of the guy they loved back in '84.

What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question.