Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.

The bar for being shocking doesn't even exist anymore. What am I going to do to shock people? Seriously, try to get The Fisting Musical off the ground? Its really at this point, there is no bar.

How can you be a vegetarian atheist and own a gun? Well, that's who I am.

In my first stand-up acts there wasn't material even. You know, I'd go on stage and cry and read a Dear John letter or gut fish on stage. I could be odd - and it's what interested me as a comedian.

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.