What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question.

Kurt (Cobain) was a fan of my standup, which was pretty weird. I know when people hear that, it's kind of like finding out that Jimi Hendrix really liked Buddy Hackett, but he interviewed me at a college radio station before they broke and did Bleach. And then, like, about two years later, I was opening for Nirvana at these huge sports arenas.

Well, I'm an uncle now ... don't know if I'm a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.

In fact, with Michael Jackson, I think those mourning people... They aren't even waking Michael, they're waking the Michael Jackson of '84. They never were given a chance to give their respects to the death of the guy they loved back in '84.

How can you be a vegetarian atheist and own a gun? Well, that's who I am.

My daughter went to the school, and it's a very, very progressive and liberal school, and my commencement speech was telling the kids just to always be willing to quit, and that they need to quit a lot in their lives, and keep on quitting, because all the happiness I've ever got was when I turned my back on things that everybody else thought would make you happy. I can smell parents' stomach acid right now, but they know that whole "You gotta get a job and you gotta settle for what people perceive as success" thing is really absurd.

It's that weird need to make tragedy about us. When you look at 9/11, there's people who really died and family members who really suffered. And then I would be in Montana, and a guy would go, "You know, I was close to Ground Zero." And it's like, "What are you talking about? You're in Montana." Everybody had to make it about them.