In my first stand-up acts there wasn't material even. You know, I'd go on stage and cry and read a Dear John letter or gut fish on stage. I could be odd - and it's what interested me as a comedian.

Fame is like a big eraser. It's strange, now that I'm famous. In my parents' opinion, all the shitty things - all the wreckage of my past - is erased. Now it's like I was never the kid who got arrested. Now I'm a wonderful son.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

Don't hoo, hoo, hoo me. There's a fine line between hoo, hoo, hoo and hiel, hiel, hiel.

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.

The bar for being shocking doesn't even exist anymore. What am I going to do to shock people? Seriously, try to get The Fisting Musical off the ground? Its really at this point, there is no bar.

How can you be a vegetarian atheist and own a gun? Well, that's who I am.