The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition.

Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under.

My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.

In 1904, 20 per cent of journeys were made by bicycle in London. I want to see a figure like that again. If you can't turn the clock back to 1904, what's the point of being a Conservative?

My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.

This is a super masticated subject, and it is time to spit it out.

I am supporting David Cameron purely out of cynical self-interest.