Conservative concepts believe in little government - take care of yourself, and that makes men who invent things like the constitution! Liberal thought has big government - we'll take care of you - and that creates boys and they create things like Occupy Wall Street! There's a difference between the way men and boys behave.

People don't realize, or maybe they've forgotten, that there was a time in history when standup comedy wasn't something that you had to hide your kids' ears from.

If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

Oh, I know: If you're fat, let's not blame you, let's sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin' out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it's the tobacco company's fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let's blame the gun industry!

I bring up God alot in my show, know why? Because I miss him.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don't care! If they're offended by the truth, that's their issue!