People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I don't know anything about you, so when you randomly come up and grab my ass, this isn't a friend doing it. It's like, "Who the f### is doing...? I was not expecting that."

I'm constantly watching satirical news programs, and just - I never want to be in a situation where someone could yell out a topic and I will have absolutely no opinion on it whatsoever, or just not even know it exists.

It's weird when people ask me, "Why are you so nice?" It's like, "Because that's just what you should do. You should be kind to people." It seems really basic, but it's amazing how many people forget that.

When you talk about modern comedy I think there's a big three right now, and that's Louis C.K., Bill Burr, and Jim Jefferies. I don't think anyone's doing it better than those three guys.

I'm in awe of comedians that do things that I can't do, whether it be a one-liner comic like Anthony Jeselnik, whether it be social issues commentary, whether it be - hell, Carrot Top. I can't be Carrot Top. I can't.