I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny.

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!