Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?'

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!

Hooked on Phonics worked for me.

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the audience can go, "Yes, I've experienced that myself!"

I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. I try not to create comedy for other comedians to like. I want everybody to like it. I want audiences to like it, but I also want comedians to like it. I'm selfish. I want everybody to laugh!

You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.