I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!

If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit."