If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.

The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my eyes and ears open and have new stuff.

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve.

When you're onstage, it's a communication technique when you make people laugh. You're communicating. You're communicating with other human beings and when they laugh you know that you're connecting. Laughing is an honest reaction and it's something that I can trust, and I love that feeling of knowing that I connected.

I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity. That's all I'm trying to say.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.