I've often said to myself, "Thank God I can write, 'cause this is hilarious." I actually wanted to go into all that more in the book, but my editor thought it was too crazy.

I don't want to be a victim.

I like birds and dogs. I'm allergic to cats.

Waiting, done at really high speeds, will frequently look like something else.

[My grandparents] were from Texas. El Paso. White trash.

I think that the truth is a really stern taskmistress.

I mean, for years [my father] would been doing everything imaginable ... from speed to downers to you name it. I used to call that "changing seats on the Titanic," and I used to say that I myself was not only changing seats on the Titanic but dating the crew.