Many people cycle or swim to keep trim. But if swimming is so good for the figure, how do you explain whales?

If I stop being on good behaviour for a moment, my dark little secret is that I don't actually believe many people in the art world have much feeling for art and simply cannot tell a good artist from a weak one, until the artist has enjoyed the validation of others - a received pronunciation.

I primarily buy art to show it off.

By and large, talent is in such short supply that mediocrity can be taken for brilliance rather more than genius can go undiscovered.

There are no rules about investment. Sharks can be good. Artist's dung can be good. Oil on canvas can be good.

Being an art buyer these days is comprehensively and indisputably vulgar. It is the sport of the Eurotrashy, Hedge-fundy, Hamptonites; of trendy oligarchs and oiligarchs; and of art dealers with masturbatory levels of self-regard.

Lots of ambitious work by young artists ends up in a dumpster after its warehouse debut. So an unknown artist's big glass vitrine holding a rotting cow's head covered by maggots and swarms of buzzing flies may be pretty unsellable. Until the artist becomes a star. Then he can sell anything he touches .