A rule of thumb with humor; if you worry that you might be going too far, you have already not gone far enough. If everybody laughs, you have failed.

For the people who ostensibly wish me well or are worried about my immortal soul, I say I take it kindly.

Exercise is a pastime only for those who are already slender and physically fit. It just isn't so much fun when you have a marked tendency to wheeze and throw up, and a cannonball of a belly sloshing around inside the baggy garments.

Only the aspirants for president are fool enough to believe what they read in the newspapers.

A point, like a joke, is a terrible thing to miss.

One can become quite used to the specter of the eternal Footman, like some lethal old bore lurking in the hallway at the end of the evening, hoping for the chance to have a word. And I don't so much object to his holding my coat in that marked manner, as if mutely reminding me that it's time to be on my way. No, it's the snickering that gets me down.

The suicide-bombing community is not absolutely 100 percent religious, but it is pretty nearly 100 percent religious.