Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.