Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.

You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready — because you know what? It’s for my country. It’s for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it’s for my country.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.