If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.

Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Wel, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."

I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.