Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.

My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!

To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.