When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.